Once upon a time, I had hair. Loads of it, all over my head. I could even do that thing where you flick your head slightly and the tendrils of your fringe whip at your face. There was a time when I felt the breeze in my locks. I could run my fingers through it. I could style it. No more. No. More.
I’m a big baldy git now. If I try to run my fingers through my hair, it’s like trying to run velcro through velcro. It just doesn’t work. When I go out in the sun, I have to wear a hat or I end up with a burned bonce. Life giveth, then life taketh away. As Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle famously said, ‘Life’s a bit pants, innit?’
But baldness doesn’t have to be the end. It can be the start of something great. Perhaps you’ll become a famous game journalist who’s admired and feared by his peers, or you could set your sights a little lower and look at some of the best bald characters in video games for inspiration. Hey, we’ve all gotta start somewhere.
Agent 47 – Hitman
He doesn’t even look like he shaves it, does he? He looks like he came out that way – slid into the world with a slick head and dual pistols in his hands. The steely eyes, the shaved head, the chiseled jawline, it’s ridiculous that he’s supposed to blend in so well. He’s a handsome dude, and he would look very silly with floppy hair on his head. Take that, hair people. One for the stealth game fans and the balds.
Jack – Mass Effect 2
If you think it’s only dudes who can pull off the skinhead look, think again. Jack’s one of the biggest badasses in video games, and she looks it too. Not everyone could get away with wearing belts as a bra, but by god, she does.
Kratos – God of War
Kratos, he’s my mate-os. There aren’t many video game characters who’d be able to pull off a redemption arc after murdering their entire family and dooming the world to oblivion. His secret? Bald.
Rude – Final Fantasy 7 Remake
The true definition of a rudeboi, Rude is slick and effortlessly cool, despite his constant failed attempts at capturing a teenage florist. If he had hair, he’d be a joke. A JOKE!
Riddick – Escape from Butcher Bay
It’s just Vin Deisel, isn’t it? He’s a bald guy who’s quite successful despite posting loads of cringe on Instagram. It’s all we can aspire to be.
Solas – Dragon Age: Inquisition
Not only is Solas bald, but his head is shaped like an egg. The thing is, you never know. You never know! You might think you’re alright, baldness sets in, then you find out that your head blocks out the sun, towering over everything. You’ll only realize when people start to have conversations with your forehead, staring up at Mt. Doom while you die a little inside. Solas isn’t quite that bad, but it is a bit of a weird shape. He doesn’t care. Everyone still wants to bed him.
Diglett – Pokemon
You don’t see Diglett crying into his cereals about being bald, do you? You don’t see him canceling social appointments because he’s sliced up his head like a celebrity chef’s onion. You don’t see him getting divorced and having to sell his motorbike. You don’t see him listening to the Joe Rogan podcast in the shower.
Written by Kirk McKeand on behalf of GLHF.
