The Best Sex Scenes Aren’t Pointless, They Do Important Character Work

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There has been a recent conversation happening around sex scenes in movies and TV. You star Penn Badgley recently said that he does not want to partake in sex scenes anymore because he doesn’t feel comfortable since he is married. The ethics of actors simulating sex while having partners in real life is a whole other argument, one I do not feel I have the authority to hone in on as I am not an actor. But Badgley’s comments have opened up pandora’s box on how some people feel about sex scenes.


People have taken to Twitter to express how they think sex scenes should become a thing of the past, even though decades ago a little thing called the Hays Code ensured this. We’ve come a long way in presenting intimacy on film and in TV, such a long way that, yes, the journey has taken some dark turns. Actors have been exploited and made to feel uncomfortable whilst filming these scenes, but the rise in intimacy coordinators on sets has added greatly to sex scenes not only being as comfortable as possible for the actors but also having them be as effective as possible for the story. Whether you care to admit it or not, sex scenes, when executed well, can be some of the most important moments in a story or character’s arc. They can be the perfect opportunity to express or communicate things that dialogue can’t.

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Sex Scenes Are Integral to Tales of Star-Crossed Lovers

Via: Universal Studios

One of the most famous sex scenes in recent cinema has to be in Joe Wright’s Atonement. It’s a fleeting, intense, and incredibly intimate moment between two star-crossed lovers. What adds to the weight of the scene is that it’s the only time Cecilia (Keira Knightley) and Robbie (James McAvoy) are intimate with one another, just hours before their lives are ruined forever. Wright does not treat this as an opportunity to focus on Knightley’s body, but rather to let the audience in on the built-up passion these two have for one another. Cecilia slowly moves her foot out of her heel, and the emerald green gown drapes over her skin until Robbie slowly unclips it. It’s almost like watching ballet it’s so beautifully choreographed. And most importantly, the two actors look comfortable with each other, even though this is the character’s first intimate moment.

Without this scene, the tragedy of Cecilia and Robbie’s story wouldn’t feel so passionate, and thus, tragic. As we watch their lives get ripped apart inadvertently by Briony (Saoirse Ronan), our minds drift back to that stuffy library on that summer night. We find solace in the end that even though Cecilia and Robbie never saw each other again, they had that time together, even if it was brief. The library sex scene is a prime example of how one small scene can change the way we view the rest of the story, even retroactively. And it’s also a masterclass In creating intimacy; it is such a quiet, private moment that it makes you feel honored to be let in on it, yet it never feels voyeuristic. In other films like If Beale Street Could Talk, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, and Brokeback Mountain, and other films about star-crossed lovers, we have these tender memories to look back on, to cherish when the world feels like it’s coming down on them.

Exploring the Body and Experiencing Firsts

Nick Offerman as Bill and Murray Bartlett as Frank kissing in the garden in HBO's The Last of Us
Image via HBO

And of course, I need to mention Episode 3 of The Last of Us, not so much star-crossed lovers but more mutually-doomed lovers. Bill (Nick Offerman) and Frank’s (Murray Bartlett) attraction towards each other starts off slow but steady, with Frank gently guiding Bill through his first sexual experience with a man. What I loved so much about this scene is we’re used to seeing a heterosexual teenage couple in a situation like this. It’s usually a bad boy who’s been around town and the angelic virgin girl and it can feel very creepy (looking at you, YA book adaptations). But Bill is in his 40s, and he has been robbed of sexual experiences because he has led his life as a closeted man. Frank immediately understands this without Bill needing to say barely anything. He gives him the sexual experience he has always wanted – and it is a perfect way to kick off their decades-long, epic love story.

Lady Chatterley’s Lover is another great example of this. It’s not just a story of forbidden lovers but about a woman’s sexual awakening. There is a lot of sex in the film but these scenes are so carefully choreographed, acted, and filmed, it never once feels gratuitous. They experiment together, with different positions, and Connie has a lot of firsts – oral sex, orgasms, you name it. Could you imagine adapting this novel without depicting sex? If you tried, you would essentially be wiping away this entire story, and missing the point of the novel completely.

Some of my favorite sex scenes come from Frances Lee’s God’s Own Country. The evolution of the sexual moments between Johnny (Josh O’Connor) and Gheorge (Alec Secăreanu) is a perfect reflection of how their feelings for each other have changed. Their first sexual encounter feels rushed, something Johnny is used to as he is a closeted man. It’s almost like they are dying to get it over with because anyone can see, even though they are up an isolated mountain. But then Johnny and Gheorge slowly start to reveal more of themselves to each other and by the end, they are comfortably bathing together, drinking cans of cheap lager, because there is nothing left to show; they have given each other all of themselves, and the journey of their sex proves it. It also shows that sex between two lovers doesn’t automatically become passionless as time goes on. It just becomes more synchronized and more comfortable, not feeling as much pressure to present one’s self in a certain way.

Sex Helps to Elevate Humour in ‘Friends With Benefits’

Jamie and Dylan from Friends With Benefits standing together and smiling

It should also be noted that sex can contribute to the film’s comedy without it being a bunch of virgins looking at an exchange student’s naked body through a webcam, unbeknownst to her. Take Friends with Benefits, for example. It’s a film that does exactly what it says on the tin – a lot of the time is spent on Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake going at each other. But the way they have sex perfectly mirrors the development of their friendship and ultimately, their feelings for one another. It starts off with both of them taking charge, listing out all the aspects of sex that they like or dislike. They’re not afraid to coach each other on how to give the best head.

They’re best friends, so they’re comfortable, but there is still a sizzling passion being unearthed as neither of them has had sex in a while. As these scenes go on, we see them chewing gum as they’re doing it, cracking jokes, and shouting at each other to hurry up while they pee. The way these scenes are acted and directed not only makes them some of the funniest scenes in the film, but they also perfectly mirror the stage in Jamie and Dylan’s friendship. The sex then becomes more passionate, less talking and joking, and there is more intimacy. The serious turn raises the stakes and tells us that these two are falling for each other, even if they don’t know it yet. It’s an effective example of how sex can add to the required tone – comedic, casual, or emotional.

RELATED: Movies Today Are Largely Sexless, So Where is the Sex Scene Discourse Coming From?

Intimacy Coordinators Have Helped Push Sex Scenes in the Right Direction

Daisy Edgar-Jones and Paul Mescal staring at each other lovingly in 'Normal People'
Image via Hulu

Intimacy coordinators have made an invaluable contribution to the film industry. Even over the past few years, one can observe significant progress in how sex is presented. Taking a detour to television for a bit, 2020’s Normal People got everyone talking about the amount of sex in the show. To be fair, there’s a lot of sex in the book, too, but, that’s what the story is about. It’s about two Irish teenagers who feel lost and/or ignored in the world and just want to find some sort of solace. Marianne (Daisy Edgar-Jones) and Connell (Paul Mescal) find that in one another, and they aren’t slow to bask in it. The scenes are incredibly tender, and the language around the consent of it all is seamlessly sewn in. Connell, who has had sex before, reassures Marianne that she should not feel any pressure and that it won’t be “weird” if she wants to stop.

We see Marianne have her first orgasm, and they both become more at ease with one another, discovering a part of their bodies and minds that they have never explored before. These scenes always reminded me of the cover of the book’s first edition – two lovers enveloped in each other’s arms in a sardine tin. It’s one of my favorite covers of all time because it perfectly summarizes Connell and Marianne’s story – they want to cradle each other and protect each other in their own, quiet world, away from the so-called “normal people.” And when Marianne’s arc goes down darker paths, and we see the abuse at home catch up with her and affect her private life, the show isn’t afraid of this.

Even when Marianne explores BDSM with her other partners, the show makes it clear that Marianne does not get the same kind of connection as she had with Connell, but Normal People never demonizes BDSM or those who enjoy it. In one of the harder scenes to watch, we see a traumatized Marianne and a broken Connell mechanically take off their clothes to have sex – although it’s clear neither of them wants it. We see a light go out in Marianne’s eyes, all the former enjoyment of sex is drained from her.

It’s a heartbreaking scene but an important one – that sex between two people can change, but it can also come back together. Ita O’Brien, the intimacy coordinator for the show, deserves her credit here as she masterfully shapes these scenes to not only be faithful to Sally Rooney’s story and characters, but also to progress the conversation around consent and show what safe, consensual, and tender sex can look like on television. O’Brien told British Vogue, “It’s always about serving the storytelling and after reading the novel, I could see that we were being brought into the characters’ internal psychology through those intimate moments.” What O’Brien understands about the novel is that these moments are just as important to Marianne and Connell’s story as the scenes where they are talking with all their clothes on. If you took away these moments, the connection both between Marianne and Connell, and the story and the audience wouldn’t be nearly as potent.

Movies and Shows Can Say the Things We’re Too Embarrassed to Say

A young man and an older woman in bed together looking at the camera in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande.
Image via Hulu

And sometimes it can just be the lingo around sex that can make a show or film stand out. In the HBO/BBC sitcom Starstruck, Jessie (Rose Matafeo) awkwardly warns Tom (Nikesh Patel) that she’s on her period – something most people who menstruate say they won’t do but do anyways. Tom dismisses it all, tells her that he’s a grown-up, and kisses her before leading her into his house. It’s a nuanced pre-sex conversation. A lot of the time, sex in movies is built up with some sort of generic orchestral sound as the man pulls down the woman’s tights. Oh, of course, she’s shaved! A period? Never heard of her! When in reality, these awkward, bumbling conversations around periods, bushes, and condoms are what usually predate it – and it’s important and nice to see fiction reflect this. And it also makes Tom even hotter.

To take this even further, Michaela Coel’s shattering series, I May Destroy You, sees Arabella (Coel) having sex with a man for the first time, and she gets her period during it. Instead of freaking out as some men would, he takes a close interest in the process that people who menstruate go through every month. Normalizing these aspects of sex is just as important as the sex itself. These parameters of intimate experiences that some may consider “gross,” or “embarrassing” can only be normalized in society if we see them represented more on screen.

The fear and anxiety around sex cannot be wiped totally from the media. Take Good Luck to You, Leo Grande for example. Nancy (Emma Thompson) has never had an orgasm, and even though she hires a sex worker (Daryl McCormack), the prospect of having any sort of intimacy with him gives her overbearing anxiety. She acquiesces that she will never get real pleasure from sex but by the end, she does, it’s just not in the way she thought she would. We’re so used to seeing young, heterosexual, good-looking couples going at each other in cinema, it’s always encouraging to see a detour and a recognition that people of all ages and experiences deserve to get their bit too!

The Darker But Important Conversations Around Sex

Saoirse Ronan in On Chesil Beach
Image via Bleecker Street

And also, there are darker moments around sex that need to be discussed on screen. I personally believe rape adds absolutely no value to a story so I won’t be discussing any scenes like that. The under-seen On Chesil Beach tackles the impact of the lack of sexual education on young couples in 1960s Britain. Florence (Saoirse Ronan), who is suggested to have been a victim of sexual assault at the hands of her father, is terrified of never being able to be intimate with her new husband, Edward (Billy Howle) because she does not understand the psychological impact the abuse has had on her.

Edward does not have the understanding or words to empathize with her, and it’s what ends their otherwise happy marriage after just a few hours. The scene where they attempt to have sex is not pleasant, but it shines a light that sex does not come naturally or easily to everyone. If Edward and Florence had the dialogue and knowledge around these then-shamed topics, they could have lived a happy life together and Florence could have gotten the help she needed to work through her sexual trauma.

So, if you wipe away sex scenes you wipe away character arcs, beautiful imagery, the hard work of intimacy coodinators, and in some cases, entire stories. Sex is here and sex can take many forms. Whether it’s between a man and a woman, two men, two women, two enbys, or two trans people, these powerful moments of intimacy and pleasure deserve as much of a place on the stage as courtroom scenes and Western shoot-outs. Yes, we need to be conscious that they are filmed with the actors’ comfort as the utmost priority. But when that does happen, and we watch two people (or three!) melt into each other’s bodies and bare themselves to each other, you get some quality storytelling that cannot be replicated by PG-13 kissing scenes.

 

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