Summer Game Fest – Geoff Keighley’s show that focuses on all the games we’ll be playing over the next year or so – is upon us. But we don’t want to wait for tonight. That’s hours away. We want to see not-E3 2022’s games right now. Immediately.
That’s why we asked an AI to show us all the games coming to Summer Game Fest, getting the lowdown before anyone else in the process. Here they are. This is not a joke.
If you want more extremely serious journalism that is, in no way, a joke, here’s a guide on how to stop your child from hating you because you couldn’t get them a PS5.
Hideo Kojima’s new game
The moody black borders, a nightmare Norman Reedus, Hideo Kojima wrapping him in his tentacle arms, enveloping him, embracing him. No doubt this will be the next video game masterpiece.
Ubisoft’s ape NFT battle royale
Ubisoft has gone and done it again. Coming hot off the heels of the super successful HyperScape and arriving just before *checks notes* XDefiant, it’s another battle royale. But this time you take control of your own NFT avatar and gun down everyone else’s. If it dies in the game, Ubisoft screenshots your NFT and posts it to a wall of stolen apes. A wall of shame.
Taxi Driver: The Video Game
This is the real Crazy Taxi. Pick up customers and clean up the streets as you go in this action-packed movie adaptation. Rack up points and get the highest Scorsese.
Super Mario joins Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2
The next installment of Call of Duty is here, and the developers have added Mario as a playable operator. Like the other daft crossovers in Warzone, this should keep kids out of the game, as intended.
Agent 47 gets a hair transplant
Hitman 4 is finally here. After spending three games jetting around the world and assassinating people, Agent 47 has some time to put his feet up. He’s spending some of that hard-earned cash to get a hair transplant since he’s quite recognizable around the world by now (and he’s sick of the sunburn and people calling him a slaphead).
Dog Petting Simulator
In a world where developers are fighting for a single retweet from that one meme account on Twitter, a new contender arises. An entire game built around appeasing Can You Pet the Dog? Release date: probably after everyone stops caring about dogs and starts hyping up cats.
Jazzy Geoff
Summer Game Fest host and organizer Geoff Keighley stars in a rocking rhythm action game from the creators of Ride to Hell: Retribution. Play along as Geoff belts out Imagine Dragons’ greatest hits.
Slug
A Metal Slug prequel, Slug is a side-scrolling action game where you have to slime up the environment and try to slide under bare feet, squishing yourself between people’s toes.
Molyneux Do You Think You Are?
Peter Molyneux regales us with tales of his life. Some of them even happened!
That’s it for video games for the next year, according to our AI assistant. Which titles are you most looking forward to? Please don’t let us know in the comments. Leave us alone.
Written by Kirk McKeand on behalf of GLHF.
