Forget the meticulous details and realistic, calculated scenarios many games today try to capture. Like A Dragon: Ishin! captures the opposite, the spontaneous and whimsical nature of reality, that feeling of pure spontaneity. Whether as Kiryu or Sakamoto Ryoma, I was always used to the iconic John Wick-esque silent macho protagonist keeping his cool, even in side quests, but I can’t remember him losing his composure as much as he did here with Anna Konno. Who is Anna Konno, you say? Well, let me tell you all about my favorite femme-fatale of 2023. (Sorry ro-boob fans)
Anna Konno is a stunning and popular Japanese actress who has appeared in many dramas and films, among other… ‘visual mediums exclusively for grown-ups.’ Let’s use the term “gravure idol” instead to keep the piece within ethical bounds. Anyway, the story begins with me looking for a new venue in Kyoto to replace the lack of Kamurocho’s cabaret clubs, which I complained about in my review. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I headed for the second-best option, Gion’s entertainment district.
Supposedly, this is the street where all the geisha live, so naturally, and as an art connoisseur, I had to check it out. In my noble quest, I stumbled upon a bar boasting “soft and supple bodies”, as the manager so eloquently put with a brow low enough it could detect earthquakes. So, as a professional critic, I progressed inside to discern how far down the rabbit hole this might go.
As I stepped into the welcoming establishment, it became clear their catalog was quite extensive, as they immediately questioned me a litany of inquiries.”What is your type when it comes to women? The brainy type? The athletic type? Or perhaps, the well-proportioned type?” For some reason, it’s become a common occurrence in this game to be pestered about my preferences, even by the samurai historian who grilled me about the same. What I didn’t expect, however, was for all of these descriptors to be referring to …. Sumo Wrestlers, who certainly possess “soft” but perhaps not “subtle” physiques. Sadly, they didn’t break into a karoake number like in Rugrats in Paris. To my utter surprise, this was the moment I witnessed the typically stoic Kiryu/Ryoma seething with genuine anger for the first time.
Completely devastated by their play on words, so he gives them a good thrashing, and then left in a huff, entering the second shop I came across. There were no signs, but the manager strangely recognized me and my love of the arts. They didn’t even ask my preferences this time and invited me into their inner quarters. Bracing for another tussle, I was instead blown away by the legendary Anna Konno. She’s even better looking than the lead actresses, Oryo and Otose, but that’s a geisha for you. Even her motion capture is remarkably spot-on.
We started the evening with a sake-drinking game, but I had to keep my wits about me and press the right buttons to avoid getting completely sloshed. Despite failing the first time, but Kiryu/Ryoma shrugged it off and tried again. In the end, I managed to stay completely sober through it all, but it turned out that wasn’t even Anna’s final form! Yesm she literally has phases like Frieza!
The second stage saw the highest stakes version of rock-paper-scissors – the kind where poor Kiryu risks losing his pants. I though had the power to slow down time and study her hand movements, I could only pull off this trick three times out of five, it was still a bit of a challenge. Every time I won a round, Anna would take off a layer of clothing. Doubtless, the Dead or Alive team were off-camera, taking a fury of notes.
Despite this intense challenge, I spared Kiryu of losing any throughout the match. Well, I persevered, but Ryoma here just couldn’t get it together, which is ironic because, come on, he’s the guy who’s got experience, badassery, and the most stoic eyebrows in all of gaming. Yet in the end, none of this helped prepare him for what was to come. The third phase turned Ryoma into a thirsting shoot-em-up Touhou warrior, shooting flying words that define his priorities in life like “Bushido” and “government” and phrases like “what is my purpose”, all while the player is being bombarded with… candid photos of Anna moaning and frolicking all over the place.
Out of the Yakuza series’ wackiest sexual comedy questlines, this one reaches a level of transcendence (or psychological breakdown) yet to be seen. I doubt even Dead Space’s Issac could have stayed sane after all this – not that he did anyway. Truly, the experience will stick with me for ages to come, for better or worse.
